Thoughts on the Church and Singles

The young adult pastor at my church said something provocative at the homegroup he leads. He said something to the effect of, "The church makes unmarried people feel like less of a person because they aren't married." (I'm relatively sure those weren't his exact words, but it was definitely the thought.) The  (on the younger side of young adult) group gave a kind of unenthusiastic varied response. If my own response was any indication, they all felt slightly as if it resonated, but not sure enough to truly agree with the statement.

I have encountered this general feeling, though not necessarily by my church. The first time I felt discounted as a single was when a former mentor of mine (out of his own brokenness and wounding, I'm sure) told me flat out that if I were married, he could spend more time with me, but because I was single, it was bad for his reputation. (Score one for insecurities!)

Other than that one experience, I have never encountered being outright disregarded as an unmarried person. However, the church has almost entirely fallen short of making me feel supported and valued as a single. My mom and sister and I have recently been re-watching 7th Heaven. Now that I'm not a child and actually pay attention to the underlying themes of the media I entertain myself with, I realized that the creator/writers of the show seemed to have one prevailing message: the church's mission should be to do no harm. While I'm guessing these people must have had bad experiences in church to come to this conclusion, I believe this is a far from accurate portrayal of the church's mission. As regards singles, I believe doing no harm is almost as harmful as harm. (Good luck with that one.)

See, my church doesn't have a singles ministry. (With good reason, which I will address later.) We have a children's ministry. For people with kids. We have marriage conferences and young marrieds' home groups. For married people. We have family homegroups of all shapes and sizes. For families. But what do we offer singles? Well, if they're in the right age group, we offer them young adult community, though that's hardly exclusive to them. If they're not, we encourage them to become part of a "normal" (by normal, I mean not "special interest") homegroup.

Again, I ask. What does the church offer singles? I guarantee you if I went to one of the pastors and asked what the benefits of being single in the community are, at least one of the answers would be, "More time to serve." True? Yes. Helpful? No. And actually, a more accurate answer would be "more time to serve the church" as I'm sure any wife would tell you she has PLENTY of opportunities to serve at home she never had before. This is unhelpful for a couple of reasons. First, it comes off a tad manipulative. Though it is true that serving fills you and blesses you often more than receiving, being told that God's keeping you from serving one person so you can serve multiple people is less than incentive to be content in the season in which God has you.

Second, as a single watching many of my married friends enjoy the opportunity to be involved in married groups, I have to wonder why the church doesn't provide the same type of support to its singles as it does to its marrieds. Quite succinctly, there is no benefit in (my) church to being single. We get left out of more things than we get included in without being offered anything specific to our unique place in life. Some of us fill this need by finding peers and/or mentors to encourage and support us. Others find no way to fill the need. Some do go the route of serving more and end up being blessed beyond measure, but still finding themselves lacking something. (And I'm sure there are more categories that I'm either unintentionally ignoring or don't know about.)

As any married person will tell you, there are benefits to being single, just as any single can immediately point out the benefits of being married. But similarly, singles have certain common struggles just as marrieds have certain common struggles. I see no reason why singles should be left to figure it out on their own when marrieds get all the support in the world. (I'm not saying at all that marriage isn't hard or isn't work. What I am saying is that life is sometimes hard and sometimes work. Being excluded from groups because of something that is completely out of our control without being offered something else is hardly what we need in life when we're already dealing with things we have no control over and being left out.)

However, I take great issue with singles ministries. I've never really seen it done well. Now, I don't have much experience, as my own church has no singles ministry. But I have a few observations based on three experiences: (1) a girls' book group studying Lady in Waiting, (2) a singles' retreat with another church, (3) the same retreat a year later. I've found similar things in all three groups. With almost no exception, the people fall into one of two (if not both) categories: broken spirited from shattered dreams of marriage or looking to find someone. I have been both at one time or another--the broken-spirited dreamer and the husband hunting missionary/camp counselor. (What an incredible waste of my time.)

We don't need to be a Christian speed dating service. Similarly, we don't need to be offering a place for people to simply commiserate. I'm not at all saying that we should only be in community with people exactly like us, either. But there are some groups that have unique needs. I am simply pointing out that people that don't get married at 19 in the church are probably one of them.

Yes, yes. I hear MANY of you saying, "You're only twenty-four! You're not that old!" No, I'm not. I'm really not. But I am in an awkward position of having most of the friends my age be married and most of my single friends be much younger. While occasionally a married woman saying, "I know exactly how you feel. I felt exactly the same way and then I met [insert name of husband here]!" is hope-giving, more often, it's not. It's easy to look from the other side of an unmet longing and be able to promise that God will provide. I feel a lot more encouraged when a single older than me can look at me and say, "I'm not married yet even though I want to be and Jesus is still providing for my needs."

Which brings me to my specific role: I can stand up for the single girls around me and say that Jesus has a timeline and His timeline is GOOD. I can stand up for the single girls around me and say that He wants to the be the hero of your heart and he wants to consume more of your heart and more of your time than you're currently giving Him. I can stand up for the single girls around me and say that as long as He keeps us single, He will provide for our single-specific needs (in one way or another).* (I recognize that I just got unintentionally sexist. Being a girl, I obviously have no idea what the insecurities of a single man may be. If these speak to any single men reading this, then wonderful! If they don't, I encourage you, single man, to stand up for the single men in your life and speak truths to them that speak to your [collective] unique insecurities.)

I don't know how to make singles like me feel valued. I don't want to exclude my married friends any more than I enjoy being excluded. But I do want to find the answer. In fact, I am determined to find the answer. And I want to find it while I am still single. How do we, as the church, support and encourage singles in this unique season of our lives without devolving into husband- or wife-hunting and commiserating?

Why It Matters

One of the quickest ways to raise my ire (immediately) is to say, "_________ doesn't matter as long as people are worshipping." I've heard multiple words put in place of that blank. And all of them infuriate me.

I realize what you're about to read borders on a slippery slope argument, but bear with me. I think it's a logical question to ask. To those (worship leaders particularly) who would say this phrase, I ask: What does matter? And, then why are you leading worship?

If [it] doesn't matter as long as people are worshipping, why do we have a live band? Worshipping to a recorded CD would ensure that EVERYBODY knows EXACTLY how the song goes EVERY time. If [it] doesn't matter as long as people are worshipping, why do we have music? Silence and/or reading scripture are just as important acts of worship. If [it] doesn't matter as long as people are worshipping, why do you learn your instrument, take voice lessons, or sing pre-written songs? If [it] doesn't matter, why do you do anything you do as a worship leader?

People worshipping is the goal of every worship leader. So does it matter how you get there? I would argue yes. I would argue that if it doesn't, the role of worship leader is actually pointless.

If you've been leading worship for any period of time, you've most likely experienced that moment of split-second decision: do I end the song here or repeat the chorus? Do I build back up again into the bridge? Should I throw out my fifth song and take more time on the third one? Do I entirely swap my last song for a song the band may not know? I make these kinds of split-second decisions almost every set. Why do we have to make these choices as worship leaders? Because our role is to use music to help facilitate a group of people worshipping God--to help minimize distractions and pave a road for people to follow into the presence of God.

I believe every decision and non-decision we make as worship leaders either furthers this goal or hinders it. We use music because God has built (most of) us with a peculiar sensibility to music that other mediums can't quite reach. We sing pre-written songs with lyrics available (most often) so that everyone can join in (facilitating a group). We learn our instruments and have rehearsals so that we play well and play together (to minimize distractions). Everything you do as a worship leader should serve this purpose, or perhaps you should rethink it.

I have a handful of soapboxes as a worship leader. These are things I've preached for all my seven years of mentoring younger worship leaders. And they all serve this purpose. In no particular order:

• Learn your music and lyrics and be "off-book" as much as possible. (I am peculiarly gifted in this in that I pick up songs very quickly and memorize very easily. I recognize that not everyone has the ability memorize quickly or easy--especially playing and singing at the same time. Also in my experience, it's easier for guitarists to memorize chords than it is for pianists. If you are not so-gifted to memorize easily, I'm not saying give up worship leading. I'm saying do as much as you can. If you can't memorize, don't. But if you can, don't rely on sheets simply because you can.) This not only minimizes potential distractions (paper shuffling between songs or the dreaded forgetting of lyrics!), but also makes you a better worship leader. A leader by definition goes before and has followers. A song leader simply lets the people s/he's leading know where the song's going. A worship leader is letting people know where the worship is going. And in order to lead you must also be there. Getting rid of dependence on chord sheets (as well as better-learning your instrument) gives you the freedom to worship as you lead. Because if you're not worshipping, you're not really leading worship. In addition, this allows you to be more spontaneous. If you feel like God is calling you to play a specific song that's not on your set list--or even just feel like it's appropriate for the sermon topic or where you think God wants to take the people--you can play it without having to send someone to the computer, file cabinet, folder or, worse, your car!
• As well as possible, make your set seamless. This is obviously much contested. I know many worship leaders that don't, I know a handful that do, and I know a few that did at one point and don't anymore. (I know a worship leader in each of these categories I would consider to be an effective leader. It's not a make-it-or-break-it type deal. But it helps minimize distractions.) To me, this doesn't always look like playing a whole set in the same key (though that's the easiest and simplest way to do it and is what my sets usually look like). Playing in relative keys is a possibility (such as D and G or E and A). If you're playing with a band, have the synth player/pianist/lead guitarist/backup acoustic play something while you move your capo around. But never have silence because you had to move your capo. Intentional silence is a tool that, well-placed, can bring an extraordinary moment to a set. But silence simply because you have to move your capo is distracting and sometimes awkward. I feel similarly about prayer. Prayer is a gift and a tool and has its place in a worship set as well, but should be intentional, not as a mask for an awkward song transition. This removes distraction and creates a path of worship, rather than stairs or several boulders to be climbed over.
• Learn songs as close as possible to the way the original artist did it. (Or, in some cases, whatever recording your congregation is most familiar with.) If every worship leader at a church plays a song the same way, no one will ever be confused. You're leading a group of people. If the worship leader before you doubled the verse every time, double the verse or you'll lose your people. Not that losing your congregation means you're a bad worship leader. But if you can avoid it, do. Have you ever experienced that awkward moment where you're not the worship leader and you thought s/he was going somewhere s/he wasn't and were left singing out the wrong part while nobody else was singing? I know I have. Try to avoid doing this to your congregation. Remember, you're leading. So lead. If you're doing something out of the ordinary (such as repeating a line that's not usually repeated), let them know.
• Play only songs that are in line with your church's (and hopefully your) theology and, as much as possible, songs that you can worship to. Think very carefully about the words you're asking your congregation to sing. Just because it has a catchy melody or makes people cry doesn't necessarily mean it has solid theology. Again, you're leading people, so make sure you're leading them correctly. You have authority as a worship leader. People will sing what you have them sing. Let them sing truth. Playing songs that you can worship to, similar to being off-book, makes you a better worship leader. You can't lead people somewhere you're not and playing songs you can't worship to makes this very difficult. Brian Doerksen, I believe, calls it "owning" songs. Make sure you can "own" the songs you play. Occasionally you'll have to play songs you don't necessarily "own"--if another worship leader has introduced a song, sometimes you should be a team player and play it for the sake of the people or if your pastor has specifically requested a song you don't necessarily "own". But in the songs you choose, choose songs that you can lead well.
• Trust your band (if you have one). Give them a general idea of where the song's going. If you have a specific idea in your head, communicate it. But trust them to do what they do best. Micromanaging your band will only exhaust and frustrate you. I'm not saying don't train them. If you have a new drummer, you may have to tell him/her exactly where you want the kick (1 and 3 or 4 on the floor?); if you have a vocalist that's never sung background, tell him/her where in the song to come in or if you think the other harmony would sound better in his/her voice or give the song more dynamic. But eventually, if you've trained them well and they're a good fit for your team, you should be able to let them do what they do best--they trust you to lead, don't they?

Some if this may sound very harsh or even impossible. These are things that are important to me and, yes, I've broken just about every "rule" I have at some point. But these are simply examples of my intentionality in leading worship. Yes, I do believe the songs we choose matter because we're teaching theology, authoritatively inviting people to sing with us, and leading people into the presence of God. I do believe that whether or not the leader can sing on pitch matters because some people in the congregation will be distracted if s/he can't. I do believe that playing and singing a familiar song in a familiar way matters because we're asking people to join in with us.

All that to say, learn your craft, be intentional, and, though not necessarily indicated by the disproportionate amount of harping on mechanics, most importantly, ask God what He's doing with your people. As much as you care, He cares more. And He knows where every person is at that will be hearing your worship set. And He can tell you. And He often will if you give Him the chance. All the rules and guidelines in the worship handbook can't hold a candle to following the voice of God--even if He does ask you to play a song you haven't played in four years in the middle of a worship set.

The Reward for Contentment

Or (Un)Helpful Things Married People Say

For a while, the advice I received most regarding being single (and, often, leading a worship team) was, "I've found that it wasn't until I stopped wanting something that I got it." Now, well meaning as this advice is, it puts the potential follower (meaning, of course, me) in quite the conundrum. If I want it, then I won't get it. So the logical conclusion is to stop wanting it. But if I intentionally stop wanting something simply to get it, don't I still want it? And outside of the unfortunate damned-if-I-do-damned-if-I-don't repercussions of this advice, it never quite sat right with me as far as my loving, faithful, promise-fulfilling God goes. Why would a God that loves me and knows what's best for me always only give me what I don't want? The problem I have with this advice, as I will explain later, is mostly in the phrasing, not the concept.

The most recent thing married couples (specifically married women with young kids) have repeated to me has been: "Enjoy being single while it lasts." No matter what season of life you're in, hearing this, again, well-meant advice is not something you want to hear if you are at all dissatisfied with said season.

When I've expressed this annoyance to other married couples (who would say no such thing), most have tried to sway my thinking by delineating all the downsides of married life or child rearing. In my current life season and state of mind this is quite unhelpful. To an outsider who so desperately wants to be in, even the worst looks golden.

But there is no golden season.

There is no season of life where everything finally feels like it all fits. (Which, if you think about it, is kind of blessing in disguise. If there were such a season, life would pretty much suck once that season was over and you still had to keep on living.) For me personally, I feel like my hypothetical "golden" season is when I have my first baby (probably when the baby's around 6 months old or so). But I'm sure when I get there, I'll miss getting 9 hours of uninterrupted sleep or deciding I don't want to cook dinner and eating carrots instead or being (at least somewhat) guaranteed a block of undisturbed time with my husband.

But even that "golden" season won't be golden if I don't learn to make this season a golden season. Living every season the way I am inclined means even my hypothetical golden season would be almost entirely missed by wishing for when my first kid can walk or use the toilet or dress herself or, on the other end, looking forward to my second kid and having a baby again. (This is all beginning to sound a little like Click to me.)

Instead of there being no golden season, what if every season is a golden season?

See, the heart of the first piece of advice is contentment. But getting what you want isn't the reward for contentment. Contentment is the reward for contentment. Once you truly get to that place where you are content (cynically put in the previous advice as "not wanting it anymore"), whether you get it or not doesn't matter. Because you are content.

So, what is the lesson in this?

For single people, learn to make every season a golden season.

For married people, perhaps this is the advice best offered to single people (or anyone for that matter):

Enjoy the season God has you in

because if you spend your life

running ahead of Him,

even if you get what you think you want

you will never enjoy it.