Thoughts on the Church and Singles

The young adult pastor at my church said something provocative at the homegroup he leads. He said something to the effect of, "The church makes unmarried people feel like less of a person because they aren't married." (I'm relatively sure those weren't his exact words, but it was definitely the thought.) The  (on the younger side of young adult) group gave a kind of unenthusiastic varied response. If my own response was any indication, they all felt slightly as if it resonated, but not sure enough to truly agree with the statement.

I have encountered this general feeling, though not necessarily by my church. The first time I felt discounted as a single was when a former mentor of mine (out of his own brokenness and wounding, I'm sure) told me flat out that if I were married, he could spend more time with me, but because I was single, it was bad for his reputation. (Score one for insecurities!)

Other than that one experience, I have never encountered being outright disregarded as an unmarried person. However, the church has almost entirely fallen short of making me feel supported and valued as a single. My mom and sister and I have recently been re-watching 7th Heaven. Now that I'm not a child and actually pay attention to the underlying themes of the media I entertain myself with, I realized that the creator/writers of the show seemed to have one prevailing message: the church's mission should be to do no harm. While I'm guessing these people must have had bad experiences in church to come to this conclusion, I believe this is a far from accurate portrayal of the church's mission. As regards singles, I believe doing no harm is almost as harmful as harm. (Good luck with that one.)

See, my church doesn't have a singles ministry. (With good reason, which I will address later.) We have a children's ministry. For people with kids. We have marriage conferences and young marrieds' home groups. For married people. We have family homegroups of all shapes and sizes. For families. But what do we offer singles? Well, if they're in the right age group, we offer them young adult community, though that's hardly exclusive to them. If they're not, we encourage them to become part of a "normal" (by normal, I mean not "special interest") homegroup.

Again, I ask. What does the church offer singles? I guarantee you if I went to one of the pastors and asked what the benefits of being single in the community are, at least one of the answers would be, "More time to serve." True? Yes. Helpful? No. And actually, a more accurate answer would be "more time to serve the church" as I'm sure any wife would tell you she has PLENTY of opportunities to serve at home she never had before. This is unhelpful for a couple of reasons. First, it comes off a tad manipulative. Though it is true that serving fills you and blesses you often more than receiving, being told that God's keeping you from serving one person so you can serve multiple people is less than incentive to be content in the season in which God has you.

Second, as a single watching many of my married friends enjoy the opportunity to be involved in married groups, I have to wonder why the church doesn't provide the same type of support to its singles as it does to its marrieds. Quite succinctly, there is no benefit in (my) church to being single. We get left out of more things than we get included in without being offered anything specific to our unique place in life. Some of us fill this need by finding peers and/or mentors to encourage and support us. Others find no way to fill the need. Some do go the route of serving more and end up being blessed beyond measure, but still finding themselves lacking something. (And I'm sure there are more categories that I'm either unintentionally ignoring or don't know about.)

As any married person will tell you, there are benefits to being single, just as any single can immediately point out the benefits of being married. But similarly, singles have certain common struggles just as marrieds have certain common struggles. I see no reason why singles should be left to figure it out on their own when marrieds get all the support in the world. (I'm not saying at all that marriage isn't hard or isn't work. What I am saying is that life is sometimes hard and sometimes work. Being excluded from groups because of something that is completely out of our control without being offered something else is hardly what we need in life when we're already dealing with things we have no control over and being left out.)

However, I take great issue with singles ministries. I've never really seen it done well. Now, I don't have much experience, as my own church has no singles ministry. But I have a few observations based on three experiences: (1) a girls' book group studying Lady in Waiting, (2) a singles' retreat with another church, (3) the same retreat a year later. I've found similar things in all three groups. With almost no exception, the people fall into one of two (if not both) categories: broken spirited from shattered dreams of marriage or looking to find someone. I have been both at one time or another--the broken-spirited dreamer and the husband hunting missionary/camp counselor. (What an incredible waste of my time.)

We don't need to be a Christian speed dating service. Similarly, we don't need to be offering a place for people to simply commiserate. I'm not at all saying that we should only be in community with people exactly like us, either. But there are some groups that have unique needs. I am simply pointing out that people that don't get married at 19 in the church are probably one of them.

Yes, yes. I hear MANY of you saying, "You're only twenty-four! You're not that old!" No, I'm not. I'm really not. But I am in an awkward position of having most of the friends my age be married and most of my single friends be much younger. While occasionally a married woman saying, "I know exactly how you feel. I felt exactly the same way and then I met [insert name of husband here]!" is hope-giving, more often, it's not. It's easy to look from the other side of an unmet longing and be able to promise that God will provide. I feel a lot more encouraged when a single older than me can look at me and say, "I'm not married yet even though I want to be and Jesus is still providing for my needs."

Which brings me to my specific role: I can stand up for the single girls around me and say that Jesus has a timeline and His timeline is GOOD. I can stand up for the single girls around me and say that He wants to the be the hero of your heart and he wants to consume more of your heart and more of your time than you're currently giving Him. I can stand up for the single girls around me and say that as long as He keeps us single, He will provide for our single-specific needs (in one way or another).* (I recognize that I just got unintentionally sexist. Being a girl, I obviously have no idea what the insecurities of a single man may be. If these speak to any single men reading this, then wonderful! If they don't, I encourage you, single man, to stand up for the single men in your life and speak truths to them that speak to your [collective] unique insecurities.)

I don't know how to make singles like me feel valued. I don't want to exclude my married friends any more than I enjoy being excluded. But I do want to find the answer. In fact, I am determined to find the answer. And I want to find it while I am still single. How do we, as the church, support and encourage singles in this unique season of our lives without devolving into husband- or wife-hunting and commiserating?