When I dated my first boyfriend, my only prayer for our relationship was that God would move our hearts towards each other or move our hearts away from each other, but that we would both feel the same way about however our relationship would end. Our relationship was brief, but I fell hard for him. After four months, he broke it off. He didn't feel the same way. God had clearly answered my ridiculous either/or prayer with an equally nonsensical "no". I met this first "no" with confusion. I thought my prayer was simple enough, but things had gone sideways and I ended up broken-hearted and rejected. God must have had a good reason, though. So I continued on, confident that my story with this boyfriend must not be completely over because of the disconnect between my prayer and reality. (Spoilers: I was wrong.)
Four months after that, I went to Israel on a two-week pilgrimage as part of my grad school program. I went as one of just a handful of people without a companion in a large-ish group of people that had brought mostly spouses, with the occasional son or sister mixed in. I was very lonely, felt profoundly alone, and was still processing much of what God had to teach me in the wake of my first breakup. My roommate was another member of the group that hadn't brought a companion. Her husband, who had some chronic medical issues, hadn't joined her.
Halfway through the trip, she got a devastating phone call: he had been in a terrible accident on his motorcycle. Details were still forthcoming, but she spent that entire day waiting on phone calls regarding his condition and her ability to book an emergency flight home. Throughout the day, I spent most of my time praying for healing for her husband. I've never had much faith for healing. It's not that I don't believe God can and does heal, but I haven't witnessed it much, so it's more like not really believing that's something He likes to use me for. I think He can and probably will, it's just not one of the gifts I've operated in much. But this time was different. I was filled with faith that not only was God going to heal my roommate's husband's wounds from the accident, but would also heal his chronic health issues. I spent the entire day at war in prayer, completely filled with faith that the next call we received would be that he was healthier than before the accident.
But I will never forget when the next call came. Getting ready for bed that night, my roommate apologized for disturbing me, but said she'd probably be up all night and needed the TV on to distract her. I told her to do whatever she needed to do and put in ear plugs and rolled over and continued to pray. The leaders of our group, who had the cell phone which had been receiving all of the calls, knocked on our door around 11 that night--a late hour for this particular trip. I was excited and nervous. I continued in my prayers that we'd have good news. I waited anxiously as she talked on the phone and tried to understand what was happening on the other end of the call. She hung up.
"They're going to cut off his leg!" The sound of her distraught wailing when she uttered these words will likely be imprinted on my memory for the rest of my life.
I was shattered. In that moment, I was shattered for her. She took the next flight home. But as the rest of the trip went by and I was left to a room by myself, meals largely by myself, and sitting on the bus with no one next to me for most of the remainder of the trip, which left me hours on end to think (nearly always a dangerous circumstance for me, as when I get in my head, I go down a spiral that is incredibly difficult to come back from), I started to be shattered for myself. I had never in my life before (or since) had that much faith for healing or interceded so dedicatedly for it. And yet, there it was: a big, blatant "no".
I got home from the trip and my tantrum ensued. I gave up on God having a good plan for my life. To be totally honest, I gave up on God having any plan for my life. I still believed all of the truths that I had grown up with: He is omnipotent; He is omniscient; He is good. I was just somehow able to reconcile that in my head with my unshakable belief that His goodness and omnipotence didn't include me. This tantrum-induced belief had entirely stripped me of hope to the point that it broke me physically. After just a few weeks, I ended up with a migraine that laid me out on the couch for three days. My mom drove me to our holistic doctor who determined my pain was emotionally based. I essentially had two choices in front of me: continue to suffer or choose hope.
Somewhere in between the two "no"s, I had decided to approach my discontent with the season I was in logically. The repetitive message delivered to me by mentors and pastors and friends was that life was about the journey. I was sick of the journey. But logic told me the journey ended when it reached its destination. So, fed up with the monotonous path I'd been on, I sat down with my journal and asked God to give me His "goals" for that season's journey. He answered with three goals.
When I was forced to face choosing hope over pain, I threw myself full-throttle into these three goals. God was very generous and gentle with me, because each goal had something practical I could do to move towards the destination. Two were about mindset and heart attitude; one allowed practical action in growing in the discipline of intercession. I couldn't accomplish any of them entirely on my own, but at least I had something to focus on.
In the midst of pursuing these goals, I got so lost in the joy and contentment of the rich rewards of obedience and intimacy with Christ that I actually entirely forgot about the goals. I was no longer looking for the destination. It truly had become about the journey. All of the truths those older and wiser and more experienced than I had told me became my reality. In fact, it wasn't until that season ended that I realized God had gently and faithfully led me through each of the goals; I had reached the destination and, true to my initial logic, a new journey through a new season to a new destination had begun.
But I learned so much in that journey that I don't even think about the destination any more. True, life is the journey. But even that framework for it makes me uncomfortable now because it's become so deeply a part of me that it just feels like life, rather than a journey to a destination. It just is.
Right around the same time I asked God for my destination "goals", I wrote a blog about golden seasons. In it, I stated:
For me personally, I feel like my hypothetical "golden" season is when I have my first baby (probably when the baby's around 6 months old or so).I'm still not there yet. But I was definitely wrong. Because somehow, in teaching me to thrive, find contentment, and deeply, richly, enjoy the journey--enjoy life--God gave me the key to the golden season.
Every season I've had since that summer when I lost myself in the journey has been a golden season. Not only has every season been a golden season, but every season more rich, enjoyable, and golden than the last. It is with great sheepishness that I include the quote about when, four-and-a-half years ago, I thought my best life season might be. But it feels deeply profound to me, as I haven't yet reached it, but have found the other seasons in between golden just the same.
So to any of you that told me hundreds of times to "eat what was on my plate" or "enjoy the journey," you have my deep apologies for my stubbornness in refusing to live the truths you so wisely imparted. But know that I have thought of each and every one of you since learning these lessons that I could have made so much easier if I'd just listened to you.
And to any of you that have already learned this key to the golden seasons, blessings on your current journey that you no longer even think about as a journey!
And, finally, to any of you that are tired of your journey and wishing you could hop on the next bullet train to your destination, I can't guarantee that you'll get everything you want if you just start trusting God and enjoying the season He has you in, but I can guarantee you'll have a lot more joy and even fun in life if you start to ask Him what His goals are for you in this season and pursue them with everything you have.
